romanticise: deal with or describe in an idealized or unrealistic fashion; make (something) seem better or more appealing than it really is.

— an illustration of the process of disillusionment

i once painted a pretty picture of something.

the painting was so pretty it was all i could ever keep my eyes on and all i ever saw it as, completely oblivious to the fact that it is constantly changing. and it has changed, so very much. either that, or i’ve just painted it so much more beautifully than it ever truly was.

i hold on to that dear painting of mine so much, that when it is taken away from me, i cannot handle how drastically different it is from my depiction. and yes, maybe i’m hurt over the fact that it’s not the same what i portrayed and saw it as.

and when i realise that nothing is as pretty as i have always viewed from my rose-tinted glasses and wholesome perspective of life, it does hit me hard.

we romanticise too much, it hurts

the past, in general, always seems so beautiful, especially viewing it from the present.

but how does the city go from golden hour and oversaturated sunsets to dark, grayscale nights without one even noticing? especially considering the fact that these pretty sunsets only last for such a short time; like they really have the audacity to be this beautiful and then just come and go and disappear?

but maybe life goes on, maybe things do come and go for a reason, maybe some things aren’t forever, maybe it is all to make you feel something, learn something, and maybe it’s normal, maybe that’s okay. maybe we should focus on the beautiful in the present - as cliche as it sounds, maybe that is the only cure for our wholesome, romanticising minds.

(instrumental)

though it is a very short intro, the thing with it is that it’s so out of my comfort zone and (i’m trying very hard not to overanalyze it but) it’s supposed to depict how it doesn’t feel right trying to accustom to something new - whether it be a new style of music, a new era or phase in my life?

(i prefer my old playlists over my new ones, i prefer my old class over my current class, for some reason the trip to the peak was dreading and felt so wrong, i hated february and i don’t know what march will bring, etc.)

i honestly don’t think i’m very hurt or heartbroken, necessarily - it’s more of the fact that so many pretty things i once had are merely memories i can’t relive and are out of my reach. i don’t know what is causing this constant hold-on to my past, why is it so hard to let go of? what is holding me back from enjoying the present? what am i afraid of? will i be able to make new memories that can beat the past?

my past was amazing, but that doesn’t mean i will never enjoy life the same way i did before.

i personally don’t like this intro very much (or at all!), but it reminds me that this phase i am going through is a short misfit phase that i will get over soon.

(it’s also a good preface to the album sonically, and links seamlessly to 2face with its key and beat being recycled here…)

kinda find it funny how i thought i knew you well
and i kinda find it funny how you thought you hurt me but you really played yourself

you try to fool me, start a conversation
then double-cross, put me in a hard position
i deserve better than this
what the fuck did i do?

you’re so two faced
you’re so two faced
wish that i didn’t know bout it this late
you’re so two faced
you played your ace
now i just wanna slap you in the face
you’re so two faced

kinda find it funny how i thought i knew myself
and what i need, but what i need is put our misdemeanors right back on the shelf

you let me in, say to pay compensation
then use me to get away and get attention
i deserve better, should i do the same things to you?

you’re so two faced
well that was well played
if i knew about it i wouldn’t have stayed
you’re so two faced
you played your games
now i just wanna slap you in the face
you’re so two faced

but would i be two faced to say that i wish you were hurting
you can call it sadistic all you want but i can’t help it

there are two faces to everything
nobody’s perfect but everyone’s fake
we are two faced
love me or hate me
it’s a fine line now all we need is space

won’t say i didn’t see it coming, it was clear from the start
don’t try to tell me you were happy, it was clear you were not

say what you want, but i’m closing my door
cause i’m done playing your little games

but oh, i never gave a damn about accepting the truth, the bad side of you
now you’re all i got and he’s gone
and all those deprecating nursery rhymes i write about you, was right about you
but it’s all my fault, and i won’t say i didn’t warn me
so don’t say i didn’t warn me

the sirens in my head, they’ve been crying for help for months and i just played deaf
they say you get what you tolerate and i got no respect

say what you want, but i’m closing my door
cause i’m done playing your little games

but oh, i never gave a damn about accepting the truth, the bad side of you
now you’re all i got and he’s gone
and all those deprecating nursery rhymes i write about you, was right about you
but it’s all my fault, and i won’t say i didn’t warn me
so don’t say i didn’t warn me

say what you want, it’s too much and too late (don’t say i didn’t warn me)
yea i caught myself up in this game (don’t say i didn’t warn me)

oh, i always loved to blindside myself from the truth, even though i knew
that we were so flawed and it’s not
and all those deprecating nursery rhymes i wrote about you, was cold but was true
but it’s all my fault, and i won’t say i didn’t warn me

took me a year to know that i’m better off on my own (don’t say i didn’t warn me)
(don’t say i didn’t warn me)
took me a year to know that it wasn’t right, should’ve known (don’t say i didn’t warn me)

it’s so hard to explain, where do i begin?
i hallucinate sometimes and see their halos for a second
then after a while, i wake up, i’m cautious again
everything around me is in grayscale, fell from heaven

but somewhere down the line i start to believe (start to believe)
again, and i’d go wear my heart up on my sleeve

first, they’re gonna paint themselves white all over
just to try to get you closer and then now that they have made it
they’ll then make you unaware they already took what they needed
either leave you scared or needy and that’s how you get manipulated

watch your mouth, your words can be held against you, be cautious
lips slip and look over here, they’re holding me hostage
i’d wished that i would be saved by my dumb superstitions
and then a rainstorm came, it flooded the entire bridge

but somewhere down the line i start to see (i start to see)
it’s reversible, let the water sink underneath

first, they’re gonna paint themselves white all over
just to try to get you closer and then now that they have made it
they’ll then make you unaware they already took what they needed
either leave you scared or needy and that’s how you get manipulated

(dedicated to #project8A (a project my 7th grade class created together) and the feeling of losing touch with the classmates you used to bond with over time)

we were working on a project
to go somewhere together
we were young and we loved the concept
of so-called ‘forever’

maybe i romanticise my past too much
romanticised your promises
romanticised your flaws too much, if i had to be honest
it was stupid, we were stupid
forever’s just a joke
it was childish, unrealistic
loved how we had so much hope

working on a project
not that it’ll ever come true
nights on hotel carpets, we lost it
bittersweet but it was cute
we were making photo albums that we’d never throw away
letters i kept up to this day
but there’s still more to the project
just too good to be true

we learned that nothing stays forever
but it wouldn’t hurt to try it anyway
and nothing would ever be better than this
ever since you left things won’t be the same

maybe it was overwhelming, way too much
it all happened too fast
i really couldn’t catch up with so much, all gone in the blink of an eye
we were on the verge of falling
but we don’t care if we’re hurt of melancholy, of heartbreak,
only matters that we were

working on the project
nothing could ever replace it
i remember how we used to believe that we’d never ever break
oh we never wanted to see the end of our utopia,
but the remnants of our friendship have all seem to be forgotten,
disappeared without a trace

oh i’ve got a tendency not to think before i fall (utopia)
it’s not masochistic, i just didn’t mind the pain that followed (it was a lie)
and all that i’ve found is that it’s hopeless after all but it was worth it (utopia)

and all i’ve got

but we were really working on a memory
one that haunted me and kept me up all night long
but i’ve gotta find beauty in temporary
and learn to accept that i’ve gotta move on
and i know i’ll be in a better place, just maybe not today
but i swear i will someday
and it’s alright if all that you’re feeling right now is pain

but now i’m working on my conscience
trying hard to realise
that nothing’s ever as it seemed to be
from the perspective of my rose-gold tinted eyes
and this is where my delusions turn to disillusions
i found it so hard to believe
this marks the end of our forever (utopia x4)

in the end, i finished our project
but it feels so wrong to be here when you’re really somewhere else
promised you’d be here, why did you leave me alone?
were those promises or mockery of my innocence?
kinda funny but it’s sad that this is how it ends

when i met you, you were a wreck
but i loved the way you hid it somehow
though i’ve always wanted to save you
but all i did was drag myself down

but moments go, and i should’ve known
that there’s only one chance for everything, it comes and it goes

i had you at your best and i watched you deteriorate
i was there under pink skies and watched as the colors fade
i held you when you bloomed, let go when the last petal fell
but if i did this right then i could’ve done something to help

half a year passed by, summer went
and i hate the way we’d always fall out
we don’t listen, we’re talking over ourselves again on your leather couch

but moments go, and i should’ve known
that it’s never this easy, this perfect; i still loved you so

i had you at your best and i watched you deteriorate
i was there under pink skies and watched as the colors fade
i held you when you bloomed, let go when the last petal fell
but if i did this right then i could’ve done something to help

but it’s too late to find out now
oh, it’s too late, we’re going down

changing for worse or for good, but there goes the last of my childhood
this was nothing like how it was last year
twelve degrees turn to twenty-two, but that’s not everything that’s new
the snow-covered playground is so far from here

now i’m not that little girl anymore and i miss her
tell me how nice it feels to know nothing, view everything as it seems to be

‘cause last time i wore a t-shirt
i swear the leaves looked greener
and yeah the skies were clearer and i had no idea
that you would fuck me up
oh, what the fuck was love

feelings fade, but why they still hanging around?
the past just keeps on holding me down
i’m seeing flashbacks of my twelfth spring in vignette
but now i’m running in circles, i’m trapped in a vicious cycle
back where it all began
they say seasons change but i’m just retracing my footsteps, but

now i’m not that little girl anymore and i miss her
tell me how nice it feels to know nothing, view everything as it seems to be

‘cause last time i wore a t-shirt
i swear the leaves looked greener
and yeah the skies were clearer and i had no idea
that you would fuck me up
oh, what the fuck was love

but i grew older, wish i’d have told her
to look out for the flags in red
out in the open, didn’t she notice?
|i should’ve known what to expect

‘cause last time i wore a t-shirt
i swear the leaves looked greener
and yeah the skies were clearer and i had no idea
that you would fuck me up
oh, what the fuck was love

everything around me reminds me of you and i hate it
you’ve ruined my favorite songs and places with memories of you and i hate it

you made me feel insecure, then blamed me for it
you took away a year’s worth, then claimed that i didn’t give enough
i don’t know why the hell i stayed, i hate myself for it
i pleased you and said sorry because you weren’t satisfied enough

and wow, now that i think of it you’re too shitty to be true
and wow, i hope i never meet anyone who’s nearly as messed up as you
you could go fuck yourself if you want to,
i’m saying this ‘cause the kids don’t deserve to
get fucked over by fools like you
get fucked over by fools like you

you’re really just full of shit but you don’t know and i hate it
you’re probably proud of yourself for thinking you won in the end and i hate it

you made me feel insecure, and then you mocked me
then you took my innocence, you turned an angel into this
i don’t know who the hell you made me change myself to be
i pleased you and said sorry, neither of us deserved any of this

and wow, now that i think of it you’re too shitty to be true
and wow, i hope i never meet anyone who’s nearly as messed up as you
you could go fuck yourself if you want to,
i’m telling you that the kids don’t deserve to
get fucked over by fools like you

and i didn’t know it but you took a piece of me
but it’s too late and i hope you know

you made me feel insecure, then blamed me for it
you took away a year’s worth, then claimed that i didn’t give enough
i don’t know why the hell i changed, i hate myself for it
i don’t deserve to get fucked over by fools like you

maybe i should shut up, yeah i say too much
always end up losing the upper hand
we both know i’m good at abusing my trust
maybe i should learn not to just turn my back
you never wanted trouble and i gave you that
‘i didn’t mean it, oh i hope you understand’

but it’s all in my head now
and words don’t mean nothing now

but maybe for the first time i feel guilty
no i wasn’t the best, and i admit it
today i tried looking at me from your shoes and i realise
i’m imperfect

maybe i should stop victimising myself
yeah, i get so caught up in my head sometimes
i’m bad at confrontation, don’t know how it’s dealt
and i would break my silence but really words don’t mean nothing
and i’m running out of things to say

but maybe for the first time i feel guilty
no i wasn’t the best, and i admit it
today i tried looking at me from your shoes and i realise
i’m imperfect, but here goes

so here’s to all the times you’ve lied to make me smile again
and here’s to all the lies i’ve said to keep this going
we’re lacking honesty
but honestly

maybe you’re not the type to say you’re sorry
but hey, you made a perfect empty story
and maybe i shouldn’t get in my head so much
because words don’t mean nothing at all

I’ve gone so far, this year was a wild one
I’ve loved, and lost, and I’ve learnt how to move on
Still try to take my chances, ‘cause it’s a step closer to being perfect
But I’m not perfect, I’m just a girl

I’m conceited and young and dumb
Greedy, ungrateful and lost
I’ve been trying to let me go but the truth is, it’s hard

But this Christmas I won’t be the same, yeah the seasons are changing
I kept on getting this life thing wrong and the ways that I’m thinking
Here’s to constantly doing my best,
Putting my worth to the test
Here’s to making mistakes, in the end learning from all our wrongs
Here’s to growing up

It’s all so beautiful how everything falls into place like it was just meant to be
And I’m standing here, the world is as pretty as it seems
The waves are crystal blue, the sun lights up my face in gold
And I couldn’t wish for anything more, I know

That this Christmas I won’t be the same, yeah the seasons are changing
I kept on getting this life thing wrong and the ways that I’m thinking
Here’s to constantly doing my best,
Putting my worth to the test
Here’s to making mistakes, in the end learning from all our wrongs
Here’s to growing up

It’s crazy how much people change
And it’s cliche of me to say this
But honey, life moves on, the past is gone

Everything happens for a reason, I tell myself time again
I’m forever grateful for my teachers, my family and friends
Give me a chance to make it up, to compensate
I don’t feel I deserve this until I make amends

Yeah this Christmas I won’t be the same, yeah the seasons are changing
I kept on getting this life thing wrong and the ways that I’m thinking
Here’s to constantly doing my best,
Putting my worth to the test
Here’s to making mistakes, in the end learning from all our wrongs
Here’s to growing up

Here’s to a year of trials and tribulations, thank god
Merry Christmas everyone