(Dec 30, 2019)

‘The present is a platform, build as you see fit: no plans, only godspeed; no future, only ideas.. and we’ve made it this far’

2019: not the best, not the worst, but the most important year. Possibly the most I’ve cried - apart from my baby years ofc - and they’re all over some of the most trivial yet emotional things.

Or at least they seem trivial when I think about all the wonderful things I’ve been blessed with in my life (thinking about how much love and support I’ve gotten in my life is making me tear up right now honestly) - and my worries are admittedly so silly, but they’re all surrounding the idea of growth and change, fear of losing, wanting to cherish etc.. a big topic yet a childish fear..

In retrospect of the past decade.. put concisely I was absolutely spoiled. I had the best family I could ever ask for, friends who supported me & hyped me up, the blessing of being able to enjoy life with the least of worries. But being too accustomed to this has made me illiquid and inflexible as change comes around and it’s exactly why I fear growing up so much - people who don’t know me personally may not see it but I’m extremely irresponsible, dependent and not mature enough to grow up as smoothly as possible.

I fear losing the past because it’s where my comfort zone lies. It’s what I’m used to & grown up with & stuck to for so long and I know for sure it will provide me a sense of security. But knowing how protection diminishes as time passes.. you grow up and come out of your shell then you’re on your own! In the real world nothing is for free.. as an adult there is no cocoon for you to take nutrients from anymore. You must give it a little effort and find it for yourself.

Maybe I didn’t realize i was going through the metamorphosis process as well, thinking everything would just come to me naturally.. success, learning, motivation, happiness and all that. I’m starting IGCSE this year and just as Q4 hits everything just seemed to subside a little bit for me. All it was was a minor setback, but it hit me pretty hard because I couldn’t seem to understand why it happened.

Everyone knows that with taking comes giving, and I just so happened to not have put in enough to equilibriate, or emulate the amount I’ve taken.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t been moving forward this decade. Just a little kid sitting on the playground enjoying things, but she knows now is the time to get up and go. No more spending my days in idleness, laying there not knowing what to do. No more trying to figure out what’s been stopping me from growing, reminiscing about the good old times, wishing for the better .. no more revolving around the idea of hope, repeatedly praying but never putting it to action.

The 2010s were all about the taking.. but this decade I’ve gotta learn to give